Life Without Writing?

When I remember the past, it comes in a series of snapshots, which (rather like a 'Harry Potter' photograph) begin to move when I select one, bringing to mind details that I can never be sure I have not added over the years.  There are some that keep coming up, like a picture of me on a Greek beach at Christmas wearing a royal blue jumper and a pink skirt with my arms stretched out to the side. I look happy, my head tilted, a big smile on my face.  I look as though I am on the point of taking off and gliding over the sand.  Another comes to mind, forcing out the girl in the blue jumper.  I am at the zoo with my daughter.  She is not much older than one and she is grinning because she has just counted to three, or I think she has. I see her face close up and wonder where this version of her has gone. Then there is the jolly camper van I used to have and the adventures that went with it. I recall the smell of grass and the dripping of the rain as I boiled a kettle and made tea on the tiny stove.  The interior was orange and green, but I didn't care. All these people.  All these places.  All these moments.

Today, at my desk, I listen to the birds outside my window and I wait for the sound of my children returning from school, as they have done so many times before.  A collection of returnings - I can't remember the first time and I don't really want to think about the final time, which is surely nearer than the first?

I should go down and do something useful.  Make some tea, or hang the washing out.  But I came to my desk because I was wondering about the way my life has turned out and whether I should change it.  There must be stuff that I'm missing and stuff that I would do better without.  Perhaps I should write a list?

There are things I wouldn't miss.  Like housework and going to the doctor's or the dentist's.  I don't much like shopping, either.  I wonder what the children would say if there were no milk in the fridge and no clean pants in the drawer.  I wonder whether everyone's teeth would go brown and fall out without regular checkups. I consider whether I could get used to internet shopping.

When I think of giving up these things, it's just a kind of madness, obviously.  I play my part for my family's sake, just as they play theirs.  They expect me to do these things and lots of others that I was not made for, just as I expect them to be polite, pass their exams, earn a salary and love me.  It would be no good messing about with the everyday things. Not until we found a world where there were new rules, allowing us all to pursue our creative ideals, and where food preparation had become redundant.

What then should I change?

I think of the books I have written, published and sold or given away to people who either read them or didn't. Liked them or found them unremarkable.  Could I give it all up? Should I go out and find a 'real' job that pays better?  Increase my teaching hours?  Do some fruit picking? I might survive for a while, after all, the world is a lovely place, with lots of things and people in it that I haven't seen yet.

But I'm pretty sure I couldn't stand it for long.  Not writing, I mean. I know it is a luxury, a self-indulgence, when considered against the horrendous stories in the news.  I could go and help those worse off than myself, sell my house and give away my possessions.  Maybe I will one day.  Who knows?

The fact remains that, for now at least, I write because it seems to me that writing is what I was made for, above all else.  And I am constantly delighted that it should be so.

Life without writing?  Not an option.