Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Bev and Carol go shopping in France


This is not an extract from my book Bunny on a Bike but it is typical of what Bev and Carol might get up to.

Bev and Carol go shopping in France.

'Why is it never the right temperature?' Carol hitches up her long skirt.

'What do you mean?' Bev smiles at the passers-by.

'How can you not understand that? Let me explain: it's always too hot or too cold. Never just right.'

'What? Look! A Brocante! Shall we have a look inside?' Bev goes into a junk shop, saying  a jolly 'bonjour' to the man with the moustache, who is standing in the doorway minding his own business.

Carol follows, snarling quietly.

'These lamps are nice. I like the green one.' Bev shows Carol a very ornate brass oil lamp with a pretty glass shade, which is cracked.

'Buy it then! No sense in missing a bargain. The world is crying out for broken oil lamps.'

'I might just get it. Such a lovely colour!'

'You already said that. Anyway, do you know how to say "oil lamp" in French?' Carol grins.

'I won't need to, will I? I'll just hold it up and say "C'est combien, s'il vous plaît"'

'What does that mean?'

'How much is it, you silly tart!'

'He won't like being called a silly tart, I shouldn't think. Probably knock you out with it.'

The man slides towards Carol and Bev.

'Vous-avez trouvez quelque chose Mesdames?' His teeth are startlingly irregular.

Carol eases herself behind Bev.

'Oui, Monsieur. C'est combien?' Bev beams.

'Ah! English? You are from England!'

Bev is disappointed.  She wants to practise her French.

'Oui, nous sommes anglaises.'

'I see. You like the lamp? It's very ancient. Beautiful.' He gazes at the lamp and Carol fidgets.

'Saw you coming!' she whispers.

'Oui, Monsieur. Je voudrais l'acheter,' says Bev, stepping on Carol's foot.

'Does that mean "how much for a broken lamp"?' Carol nudges Bev in the back.

'No! Not broken. Just small, how you say? Scratch! Is art! One hundred years old!' The man gesticulates dangerously.

'Should be dirt cheap then!' Carol hisses.

'I make you a good price. A good price for the beautiful English ladies.' He fingers his moustache.  'Thirty euros!'

Carol stifles a snort.

'Bien! Je le prends, merci!'  Bev replies.

'You could get a new one for that!' Carol says

The owner puts the lamp into an old plastic bag and wishes the girls a 'bonne journée'.

'What does that mean?' says Carol, tripping up on the step.

'It means: "fuck off out of my shop you silly tarts!"'

'Oh? Shall we get a baguette, then?  I'm starved.'

If you want to read more about Bev and Carol's adventures as Playboy croupiers please spend your 77pence on BUNNY ON A BIKE at Amazon And may all your bargains be as gratefully appreciated!